Manly India?

"Dhol Ganwar Shoodra Pashu Nari Sakal tadana ke adhikari"

This is a quote by  Kalidasa which means Animals, illiterate Harijans and any woman who behaves like an animal deserve to be beaten up.Clearly shows how a concerned Mr. Kalidasa handed over the social responsibility of controlling the C grade beings of society to the Mankind ages ago.

“A child’s gender is more dependent on the man’s sperm than the divine interruptions” is like a funny joke in an Indian family, seeing the no. of mothers being tortured if she doesn’t give birth to a potential rapist. After all, he will be taking the family legacy forward.

But all families don’t encourage their son to be rowdy. Some actually ask “KulDeepaks” to study and become something. “Arrey! Padhega nahi toh achi ladki se shaadi kaise hogi!?Apni behen ki shaadi kaise karwaaega!??”

Achi ladki means daughter of a rich tycoon who hates his daughter so much that he will pay just to part with her.The poor ‘behen’ is an expert at studying, cooking, cleaning, talking in a meek voice and everything but self defense. The same ‘behen’ eventually becomes the epicenter of her brother’s favorite word as he hits puberty.

Some men blame space constraint for their *eve pleasing*. More the crowd, stronger is the pull to pinch and pat anything that doesn’t resemble a male figure. The world also has nice guys who just flash their license to rape (Penis) and smile away to glory. But even they rape. With their eyes.

Why is an Indian man so horny? Because he saw his mother getting assaulted and finds it a norm? Because in school, boys and girls were made to sit separately and the closest boys could come to interacting with girls was in their fantasy land? Because the society will not let him date a girl normally? Because his parents won’t let him satiate his sex drive before they get the deserved amount of cash ? Or because short hemline indicates a consenting girl and salwar kurti represents someone too meek to protest? After all, if he is a man, how will he not manhandle!



In every rape case, there is a rapist, a victim and hundreds of witnesses-those who could, but did not stop it. May be they have the same testosterone that drives a man to rape. May be that’s what stops them from standing up for a girl’s dignity and life.

 May be our culture itself is a big scam. May be, I am not proud to be an Indian anymore.

I wish every Indian man would implement this:

Chappal Chor!

Recently a special friend who is always high on morals and always forces me to distinguish between right and wrong like that Sunday serial on DD1,” Yeshu Dayasagar” lost his expensive shoes. Funny!


Suddenly the price of his shoes went upto 2600 from the 500 that he had told me. Modesty & lies are like Inzamam-Ul-Haq and English. They can never be compatible. Hopefully he has finally learnt that he shouldn’t lie to me.  God has his ways to make anyone spill truth. :D

Now dirty, hot ground sent a shockwave to his head and ‘need’ slamchoked ‘Mr. Goodie two shoes’. He had a decision to make. An action to perform. He had to fend for himself. He had to steal. From an infinite array of shoes. This is what I call ‘Shoercle of Life’ ;)






He chose 2 chappals. Formed a pair. Pair was like Rakhi Sawant and Anna Hazare. Totally different. :D
He has been justifying it all with the fact that he chose dirty ones in exchange of his expensive one. :D

Every molecule of my body is laughing that someone stole his shoes and I have been bombarding him with songs like “Chorni baaga maa bole..” and will  be teasing him to watch movies like “Chori Chori Chupke”  for a lifetime. Tattoos of “Mera friend chor hai” have also been discussed.
But I wish he had stolen a really good one. Atleast we could be sure that he did not leave a poor man with naked feet.  

It’s funny yet sad that religious places have been turned into red light area for shoe lifting. God help me if I ever wear a pretty shoe to temple!


P.S: Dear Shoe lifters, Booze and shoes are all that a man needs. Giving up either hurts. ;)

Make DreamsWork !

Dreams do come true if a chap gets placed in a dude company like DreamWorks.

So what if they undergo a few funny tweaks to settle in the dudeness ;)

Step 1: Refer to the fb pics of seniors, analyze their attire and chop off all the pants to knee length.  

 Step 2: If you are unfortunately named something like ‘Teerthankar’ brace yourself up to be called ‘Tatti’ as a part of ‘disfigure-any-name’ tradition.

Step 2.5: Compare it against colleges nicks like Golu, Badboo, Ghissu and cry.

Step 3: Learn to distinguish between male and female colleagues. Men will always have longer hair and prettier earrings.

Step 4: Get rid of the weird Indian accent. Religiously watch video lectures of F.R.I.E.N.D.S . to overcome this handicap.

Step 5: Wear GAP sweatshirt no matter how hot the weather is. Don’t wear full pants no matter how cold the weather is.

Step 6: Wear only bathroom slippers to work.

Step 7: Get ears pierced. Right after lower lip piercing.

Step 8: Buy fake boom boom boomer tattoos for biceps incase still numb with the pain of piercing.

Btw, all this this is just my guess about the guys who work  9 floors above me. Reality may be even more interesting. ;)

I got a contagious disease!!

Ok, So I am in solitary confinement. My roommate shifted to the hall. Now I know how mean  untouchability was. I have utensils assigned which I keep outside like a pet whenever I am hungry.

Nobody shares chocolates with me anymore. I have been forced to take leaves way out of my league.

Is it that bad? May be, it’s not!

Woohoo! I have the master bedroom with the biggest attached bathroom all to myself. Even my hair on the floor is happy. No competition with my roommate’s after all. I am over the moon thanks to sheer impossibility  of “Hi Hello..Ya Right! Bimbo” bitching all night and waking up crow eyed for work. I can instead polish other innate yet ignored talents. Training my flatmates for motherhood is one of them. ;D

I am being served breakfast, lunch, dinner in bed for free because “Babe, I pay by cash only these days. I swear I won’t wipe my viral nose with the note”  is a good generosity magnet. :D

I have never had ownership over any plate or glass and suddenly I am entitled to everything of my own. Divine bliss I need not swim in the sink anymore before dinner for a tiny spoon.

Thank god I had a bite of every pack of chocolate in the house just before I was officially a weapon of mass beauty destruction . Now they are all mine. Self Hi-five!

And dear boss, for the 1^st time, I would like to come to office. Before time. Work overtime. Call just once and I will hug you, share my donut, laugh at your jokes really hard and wipe off the unintentional spit and leave the intentional virus behind on you. Just one call. Just one……  

Life is not exactly a bed of roses these days. It’s a bed of Neem leaves and Neem is good, soothing, calming. 

I am even rising above materialistic stuffs. Thanks to chicken pox, I already hate the idea of consuming any chicken dish. God forbid but if I ever get FISHer / EGGzema,  PETA you know who to lookout for. ;)

Even my craze for the “perfect pattern for frivolous people”, polka dots is gone. Because I look like one already. L

@Friends who silently suffer with me even without chicken pox:  What earlier was a tantrum is now my Right sweetheart. I will scream and whine because I have been asked not to have fine wine & dine. FYI, I still don’t think fruits, sprouts, juices are edible.   I genuinely pray for thy mental strength till I win the fight against the eunuchs of living-non living world, Virus. 

Why Why Why!!

 

1.       Why the hell do clothes shrink right after a good meal?

2.       Why can’t music listen to me and play itself when even I don’t know what I want to hear!

3.       Why is ‘Maggi’ called ‘Maggi’ when it has 0% Magnesium?

4.       Why don’t Malayalis belong to Malaysia and make atleast 1 GK fact simple?

5.       Why do ideal men love men?

6.       FAT: Why are just 3 letters enough to show 3 layers?

7.       How can a Bollywood actor sing in so many voices within the same film?!

P.S: I have no clue why am I asking all this. May be I overthink or it’s one of those days when I have   nothing to ponder on ;) 

Bollywood is having a ball!

It was a great mango season in terms of some of the outstanding movies that were released in the past few months.

 However cliché, horror Raaz 3 was an opener for a string of awesome hit movies in Bollywood.

Barfi was a special one with even more special characters in it. Barfi cycling to A R Rahman’s tunes in the beautiful bylanes was a treat. Kudos to Jhilmil for being a better retard than a retard.  If only they hadn’t taken our old habit of copying from someone else’s “Notebook” so seriously!  

And then came Heroine. The movie was a hit on every pocket that paid to watch it. It seems Madhur Bhandarkar manipulated Kareena’s role to portray each and every and probably the only emotion he went through(constipated pain) when Aishwarya chose pregnancy instead. Seeing the film’s fate, must say that the baby girl indeed brought Aishwarya immense good luck even before she arrived.

OMG! Oh My God restored my faith into the fact that Akshay Kumar is not a bimbo! A rare amalgamation of intelligence, sensibility and humor. It will surely be my choice for Oscars, Bharat Ratna and even Nobel ! This movie should be a compulsory video lecture for every Indian who shuns common sense for religious adamancy.  Paresh Rawal is a class in himself but what entertained me the most was Sri…Sri…Sri…Sri…Sri…Sri…Sri…Sridevi in English Vinglish! ;)

It was a great comeback movie for our very own Lord Voldemort, Sridevi. Every kid can connect to their immature years through this movie. It’s about every Ma who falls in love with herself after loving her family for years. On a serious note, I wish she had run away with the cutexy French guy. But on 2^nd thoughts, by feeding her hubby an extra Laddoo in the last scene plus going by the trend of Indian men embracing stress diabetes, may be it was a smart move to keep the ugly husband’s property  and the French stud a few years later. After all, you can never predict a woman.  ;)

  Hopefully  films like SOTY are minor hiccups and the upcoming ones, Talaash, JTHJ, SOS etc. will manage to stretch up this dream run. :)

A lil tweak and a big twist ;)

Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum
Bum bum be-dum bum bum be-dum bum

What's wrong with me?
Why do I feel like this?
I'm going crazy now

No more gas in the rig
Can't even get it started
Nothing heard, nothing said
Can't even speak about it
All my life on my head
Don't want to think about it
Feels like I'm going insane
Yeah

It's a thief in the night
To come and grab you
It can creep up inside you
And consume you
A disease of the mind
It can control you
It's too close for comfort

Throw on your brake lights
We're in the city of wonder
Ain't gonna play nice
Watch out, you might just go under
Better think twice
Your train of thought will be altered
So if you must faulter be wise
Your mind is in dyslexia
It's like the darkness is the light
Dyslexia
Am I scaring you tonight
Dyslexia
Ain't used to what you like
Dyslexia
Dyslexia

Test

39QHQ9E863W8

The Great Indian Exam Show

So in that TV series, hero comes to write the paper, answers like a cool fool dude, eyes flirt with the heroine and it’s bell time :)

So we also have quite a few 'exams' for any average student in India. The 'Agnee Parikshas' in true sense.

But the ordeal begins much before the anxiety hits. Finding the exam center is no less than a treasure hunt. It is also a typical rich bitch’s only shot at ‘Discovery of India’. 230 bylanes and Rs 350 ride later, the ‘Eureka’ moment comes and so does the pressure seeing fellow intellectual minds’ last minute Nirma soap like consistent behavior. 

God forbid, if that pressure is transmitted to your bladder, you will definitely have to see hell even before the exam commences. Unless of course, you are the Man who decides to take up the responsibility of watering plants with your own sweat and pee.

 Before entering the exam hall, we get the practice of a lifetime to stand in a queue for reasons unknown even to the guard at the gate. Interestingly, we as Indians do not replicate similar behavior at any counter that we ever encounter.

After so many break points we are expected to break down every question. And we do it! Sometimes by magically increasing the elasticity of that single line that lingers on in head, sometimes by excelling at ‘inky-pinky-ponky’ in MCQs and sometimes even by STUDYING. :D  

Weirdly, a song plays in my head for each emotion that I go through as I set out to exchange my ink for marks..

Leaving the house confidently after forcing everybody to wish me luck: “Sandese aate hain……”

On the way to center looking outside the window: “I am leaving on a jet plane, don’t know when...”

 

Waiting period before you can open the paper on your desk: “Tempted to touch..”

Gambling in MCQ: “Aazmaa Luck Aazmaa…”

In the middle of nowhere: “Wake up Sid!”

Just before paper submission: “Aaj main upar, Aasmaa neeche…”

Just after paper submission:” ula la la la le yo… ula la la la le yo”  

Overhearing my mistake from *lets-discuss-answers* troupe: “Kuch toh log kahenge, logon ka kaam hai kehna…”

After seeing a happy friend: “Acha sila dia tune mere pyaar ka, yaar ne hi loot lia ghar yaar ka…..”

After looking at the solutions: “Kya se kya ho gaya…”

What did Mathematics teach me?

"Ram has 12 apples. He has to distribute it equally amongst Meeta,
Geeta, Seeta and himself. What is Ram’s share?"

Such ‘now- cute-then-horrible’ unitary method questions in 4th class

tried to teach us stuffs beyond maths. Dared we wrong any of the
folks, 0 was waiting right there. :D


Time vroomed ahead and accidentally, I *chose* MSc Mathematics. Yep,
the only degree I did not just get. :)


While pursuing MSc, I discovered the lawyer within. The basic
assumptions were not so anymore. To justify the 108th collorary of
some 10000th theorem, we had to prove so much that my logical skills
escalated much higher than the grades that I eventually procured.
After vomiting out every mugged up proof within an hour, we usually
had good 2 hours still left to use our creativity in proving things
that seemed as obvious as the fact that ‘A’ comes before ‘B’. But we
formed our arguments, presented it somehow and confidently ended in
big bold lie “Hence Proved”.

I firmly believe that my well thought, self composed Proofs have made
me Tougher, Smarter, Liar. Traits of a budding lawyer, eh? :D

Btw, those 2 hours undeniably followed the clock of 3rd level of inception.

But my favorite lesson is the beautiful analogy that mathematics exhibits between life and angle.

One day, you were nothing. Precisely at 0 degree. Soon, you picked up
the sand grains, some within grip, some slipping out, could see good
things coming, you were high at 90 degrees. Eventually, came a point
where life did not even have the ghost of pain, loss, failure. You
were riding on a crest. You stood at 180 degrees. The angles kept
ticking with time. You got accustomed to name, fame and shame, blurred
the lines between need and greed. Never realized the quest to move
further ahead was bringing you closer to 0 degree. Suddenly, even with
everything, you hit saturation. Maths defied its own fundamentals when
360 equaled 0. And at 365 degrees, you get back to rebuilding it all.


Isn’t life a beautifully solved mathematical example ! :)

Handy Tips while dating a Computer geek

A plethora of girls end up integrating the ‘Ross Geller’/’Sheldon Cooper’ of Computer Science world into their lives and hence begins  a tedious journey of debugging the guy’s head periodically for things that are as obvious as Pamela Anderson's you-know-what....  

These few pointers can be a balm for any irritated girl out of the mushy phase where her only reaction to his monologues is Dafuq!

1.       As soon as he starts boring you with the “awesome configuration, amazing blah blah!! ” about a certain Apple product, fizzle him out by asking for it as a gift. It may work as good as pest control.

2.       “Babe you should try coding. It can be our ‘thing’ “ can easily be negated by  “Only if you try shopping.  Though, It will all be my ‘thing’ “

3.       He fears bugs. Become a bug. Threaten to crash if he doesn’t change even a little. Pester him till he welcomes normality into his life.

P.S: Normality means coming home before 12, watching a video instead of a video lecture, working FOR home instead of ‘working FROM home’ , flirting with the idea of  long drive instead of ‘long’ datatype and any stuff  that  makes you go “Awwww…..”

4.       Want to get a point across? Write a code!

After every genuinely emotional demand of yours, he will unfailingly say “I don’t understand”

He may even give you the setup of Ruby (A programming language) when you ask for Ruby, the beautiful  gem.

No worries. Try something like this:

    switch (Take_me_on_a_date) {
       

case Yes:

            printf("You are a smart guy, just saved yourself ;)\n");

            break;

case MayBe:

            printf("You will invite trouble. I am warning you :/ \n");

            break;

case No:

            printf("You are a mean selfish guy cheating on me with your codes. I will dump you before the morning garbage! >.< \n");

            break;

default:

            printf("You mean so much to me but I dunno about you. Don’t even think it's an  emotional atyaachaar  \n");}

If he can’t decode this also, Girl u got a problem. Your guy is seriously weak at coding and may never get a good package! Hence, you may like to reconsider your decision of taking so much effort to appreciate the difference between colon and semicolon, intend and indent, RAM and Lord Ram, Python-The  Snake and Python- The Programming Language and much more  ;)

    

  

   

Midnight Anger :)

Stay Angry, Stay in Love ;)

I am angry when you miss my call
I am angry when you meet a girl
I am angry when you refuse a ball
I am angry when love doesn't make you twirl


I am angry that you know me bare
I am angry when you still mock my tears
I am angry when past brings fear
I am angry because I want you near


I am angry because you don't really know why I am so
I am angry because our LOVE I don't want to blow
I am angry as you always have grievance
I am angry that you can't hear my silence





I act angry just to talk a few minutes more
I am angry that you don't see how it's fake
I am angry because I love you to the core
Sweetheart, I am angry for our sake





Now,
I am angry that even these inspired words lack a pattern
I am angry that I miss you
I am angry because even two minutes less turns me blue
But most of all,
I am angry that I  can never stay angry at you.
 

B.M.T.C. Shit

                                    
                             The only guy who gets paid to be near women!

Moral of the story: No Job is a bad Job =D

Cocktail

Glad I saved 250 rupees on watching 'Cocktail'. Instead the money can come handy in buying two pairs of chappals from Kamla Nagar to rain on the scriptwriter.

So  Meera is a true Indian girl who instead of reporting to the police about her pest husband, starts camping in a stranger’s house. Hello?

Accepted that bimbo girls laugh at PJ’s a lot but how can she giggle at Gautam’s poop like pickup lines which can wake me up even from death. Just to slap him right across his face. 

   

While it takes her potentially HIV infected lover one half of a song to fall in love and out of lust, our Bhartiya Naari is entangled in love in 2 minutes. What is she?  Maggi noodles?

 

 Saif should have ideally played father/uncle to the pretty girl and her anorexic Brutus but Alas!

Funny she came to London in salwar kurti with pink clutcher being highlighted like ugly pimples and then landed in India in trendy jeans. Haha! Whom are you fooling Mr. Writer!

Deepika needs to read the script beyond her role because Saif, Diana and pathetic story totally let the movie down even though she stood out.

“I am a rich bitch” and “Whatever is in the house is on the house” are the only two killer dialogues. Rest  all are  an assault to the sensibility!

Btw, Can anyone explain the following line in “Tumhi ho Bandhu” song.

“Tu hai jaisa mujhko waisa
Dikhna.. dikhna”

Excuse me? What? The girl wants to look manly also now on top of her anorexic, anemic stature! ?

PaaniPuri!

What is it with Panipuri and my loyalty towards my favorite street food?

 As Chaats, Maha Lactos, Bhelpuris, Golas were  getting cornered by pizzas, burgers, Ferrero Rochers in my life, all GolGappa could manage was a less funny name-“PaniPuri.”

 

I was a champion at “1 Re, 2 Golgappas-Eat as much as you can” competitions. Alas! That was the only  trophy I feared flashing at Mom’s face. Trying to disgust each other by describing the imaginary/real wound on the thelawala’s hands and then outrunning everybody on the 1^st clink of his bells. Those were the spicy, naughty days… Btw, Naughty mumblings that tummy had to deal with afterwards is a different story altogether. As always. ;)

Then Delhi gave way to many changes and complimentary Paani.<*tears of joy and extra mirch!*>. It didn’t take long before my “what-a-cheapo!” gaze soon turned towards myself saying “What-a-dumbo” who doesn’t ask for her birth right. Her complimentary dirty green paani. Those hot sunny days when every molecule of the body threatened to evaporate, ice cold Singla paanipuri kept my sanity together.  Delhi’s paanipuri has surely won my dil forever.

Bangalore is my nest now and thankfully, paanipuri stalls are sprinkled across the city. My daily 10 rupees therapy with delicious ‘puchkas’ and the complimentary “sookha” which has rotten chanas without fail, yet I have never buzzed without claiming it. Victory! ;)

Rates have changed but my little ball of surprise is still a spicy, tangy, non sweet Salsa for my tastebuds. I say ‘surprise’ because filthier the place, tastier the puchkas. ;) I have spent 4 years in Goa and panipuri followed me there also in the nooks and crannys where even hutch dog couldn’t claim to.

Paanipuri is indeed my favorite food and favorite drink. Depends if I am in delhi for the complimentary drink or in Bangalore for those extra puris. ;)