Wednesday, 31 December 2014

Why did you make PK after PK so much

Since I am writing this on an empty stomach, the best analogy for PK crossing my thoughts right now is that of a chef putting Rajma masala, chhole masala, chaat masala, meat masala, chicken masala, blah blah masala, all at once in a dish just because he did not want to leave out any flavor and in the process ruining what could have been potentially a cult dish.

PK’s core idea is to  highlight a very common Indian disease, Voluntary Religious exploitation of people, by people and how ironic it is, irrespective of a particular religion. The movie deals with religious hypocrisy very logically and in a simple manner. Having said that, such a strong message in the movie got a bit diluted by many other ridiculous nonsense within the movie itself. And now I have so many points to crib about!

1.      If cricket can go down from 60 overs to 50 overs to 20 overs with changing times, why can’t the length of a typical big banner movie in Bollywood as well?  It was unnecessarily stretched by stupid things like Alien-Girl sequence etc. I donno if it is theater specific but I am sure that planets must have changed their position to cause major astrological influences and in the meanwhile entire janta must have got educated on ‘Aamsutra’ and ‘Choc-On’ by Katrina Kaif in those 30 minutes of interval advertisement.

2.       Why would they keep zooming on Anushka’s ugly lips? Also, just because Sushant is married, not conventionally good looking and not a star kid, they made him chew on so much plastic. Awwwwwwwww…

3.       What are the odds that a Bhojpuri speaking prostitute is working in a small area of Rajasthan just so that the hero could have that dialect #TooFake.
Also why wouldn’t he get his language updated when he falls for over enthusiastic Jaggu-The Maggu. After all, she would have held his hands more easily and he would have had a better shot at impressing her.

4.       Jaggu and Sarfaraaz(Sarfu here on) bonded over poetry and literature and it was shown umpteen times where one of them is sitting and the other one is lying in the lap at a perfect angle to sniff the other’s armpits, reading  books/notebooks. Sarfu himself was a writer by hobby so I am pretty sure atleast some of those notebooks had his handwriting in it.   Then How the hell can neither of them recognize handwriting or call to inquire/please/abuse. What is the probability of being super dumb? Hmmmm…. 1.

5.        Are we sure call was made to Pakistani Embassy? Because it surely looked like Love Guru’s hotline number. Dramatic boundaries were crossed as all the Pakistanis started reacting as if it was announced that Gosht will be served more in quantity than the usual.

6.       I am all for men nudity (Finally!!!!) but why didn’t they show Ranbir’s goodies instead of a man who is the father of three in real life. #TooBad

PK is an Okay one time watch. See it for the strong, logical questions it raises, funny sequences in the first half and Ranbir Kapur in the end.
Anyway, I left theater with a very profound doubt. Did Sarfu have a job in Pakistan? Did he not? Was he so vella he kept calling everyday? Or was he damn rich? Was he working from home at the time of call? Are the companies there that cool?? Kya Aapke Toothpaste me Namak hai??Blah!

Monday, 6 January 2014

My New Year resolutions

Lazy bum kam:

This year I intend to free myself from laziness thanks to some serious inspiration by the word going around that 2014 has same calendar as 1947, India’s year of freedom. (Too lazy and non excited to verify this.)

Run, run, run………

Not towards food but a healthy lifestyle. I have already dropped to samosa from samosa chaat. Plan is to convert it into popcorn(only) soon. Because deep down I know that there are more ways to looking hot than high fever.
Remember ladies!
 "Once on lips, forever on hips"

Early to bed,

early to rise

On Weekdays

Is wise….

It’s not a matter of shame  if you want to hit the sack early so that you can wake up minus the zombie look,have a peaceful breakfast and plan your day. Life has much more meaning to it than just shoes and booze(except on weekends)

Work is worship:

Okay Fine! Atleast  important.

Now that I am into my first job after many sleepless nights(nay! Wasn’t studying.. just panicking), I am going to put in 100% into it to actually judge the nature of work instead of going by the conjectures.


Reduce prattling my opinion on well…just about everything:

Keeping quiet about irrelevant things can be a serenade to the mind. If you can’t subside the urge to insinuate on seeing someone being point blank wrong, Barfi them out.

Unfortunately, the quieter ones unfailingly look really intellectual even if all they may be doing is focusing on the nostril hair of oppositely seated person in between their pauses of an eternity.

Also, humorlexic  people are not worthy of jokes and sarcasm. Don’t let them fart on your happy mood by their dissection of each and every statement. Let them be (poopy).

Read and write and read:

Just realized for the 2014th time that if I cut down on reading nonsense fb stuffs and writing comments on all the pouting pics of others  while being Jealous inside, I can actually read lot many good stuffs and polish my writing skills. Some of the sentences I have written here have been fitted around the words I learnt from watching Koffee With Karan Season 4. That is the level of my exposure to a language that I once loved to master. This has to change. Yes!

Understand the true meaning of love:

True love is supposed to make you feel the same way a good loud sneeze does. Free and happily silly.

Anything else is blah!

Speak up

Speak up for things you strongly care about. For me, next time I see a friend throwing wrapper on streets, I am throwing him as well.

Pick up

Go back and complete those unfinished comic strips on photoshop, half written articles, some artwork left midway and those weird ideas that died with the course of time, juggle them up and make something crazy. This time for myself. :)

Get atleast one of these off my bucket list:

1.       Learn some western dance.

2.       Learn swimming.

3.       Join theatre.

2014 has already started on a good note. I was very upset to see all my boy crushes turn into uncles as the years passed by, but I finally have a new young crush, Arjun Kapoor. Weeeeeee!

Cheers and have a good year ahead you all.

How can I end without an Aloknath joke? 
“How does Aloknath’s dog bark?
  Bow-ji, Bow-ji”


Saturday, 23 November 2013

To Boredom & Beyond

You know you are extremely bored in life when:

1.       You stop sympathizing with your maid and instead envy her for the immense job satisfaction she has, which is quite evident by the bright ‘Good Morning’ she greets you with in her  pretty clothes,  while your heart starts sinking knowing it’s a weekday morning.

2.        You start fearing that soon enough, on some crazy day you may permit your parents to go groom hunting just because you believe that you will have atleast  0.1 % chance of having fun in future.

3.       Friday is the day of your resurrection. Every week.

4.       Hogging is the only way to break the monotony of daily life. Even if that means looking forward to eating South Indian style Chhole full of coconut in office as slowly and as much and as many times as you can just to while away time even when you weigh nearly 3 times your age.

5.       You know the exact nature of Priya’s trauma currently in “Bade Ache Lagte Hain..”  and sit through songs like ‘God, Allah, Bhagwan…’ poker faced.

6.       Mirror is not a necessity anymore for your prior obsessed self. You pick up the first pair of cloth that falls out of the cupboard and go around the town in pink and yellow or red and dark red. There is no enthusiasm to look good.

7.       10 facebook notifications is the most exciting thing you came across today.

8.       You actually start introspecting and contemplate over clich├ęd ideas like preparing for MBA.

9.       You can relate to all the slow songs which you earlier assumed to be written by constipated people, for constipated people….

Some of my favorites these days:

·         ‘Kabhi khud pe, Kabhi haalaat pe rona aaya…’ after regularly missing the office bus even after a real life ‘Temple Run’ daily and paying 200 damn bucks to go to the most Yo Yo place: Office!
·         ‘Kyun Main Jaagoon……..’  in front of the desktop while a sheet stares back at me.
·         ‘A Thousand Years........’ at 5:30 pm knowing that I have  3 more hours left in my shift and cannot take the shuttle that leaves like right now!
·         ‘Kuch na Kaho, Kuch bhi naa Kaho…’ as the work is being assigned to me.
·         ‘Ajnabi mujhko itna bataa, dil mera kyun pareshan hai…’ after manager gives his insights into my work.

10.   When the Joke of the Day is: ‘Mommy, I know about Gandhi but who the hell is Jayanti’ by a teammate’s kid on Oct 2nd.  

Saturday, 5 October 2013

Besharam piece by piece

Okay I confess I was besharam and jobless enough to spend money on watching this utterly nonsense movie, but even RK is to be blamed  for making me go against all reviews and trust his choice.

The movie was seriously an assault on sensibilities but certain scenes/songs/characters steal the show.

1.    Meet Ch*ndel, the constipated criminal(Javed Jaffery) who is lame ass enough to focus on the car needed for the crime more than the crime itself.

2.    Meet Babli(Ranbir Kapoor), an expert in car stealing who needs to make sure his balls are at place every 10 mins. Naachun?  

3.    Meet the childless police force, Mr. & Mrs. Chautala ( Rishi and Neetu Kapoor) who have  literally been given poop scenes to create humor but the jokes stink. Not their fault at all.

4.    Meet Tara, Babli’s love interest and the woman who is PMSing throughout the movie.

5.    Tara, the dumbum lives in a modest area but spends all her savings on a BMW. Intelligent decision making considering she is the manager of some company.

6.    Babli, the besharam meets her at a wedding and even in her cranky mood, she starts gyrating like some ‘Maata’ decided to enter her body.

7.    Tara’s mom meets Babli and gets the divine idea that a loafer mechanic is the ideal guy for her daughter because all her daughter is expecting from her future partner is class. Duh!

8.    Ch**** gives money to Babli to get him a car and he obliges.

By stealing his dream girl’s car.
From her official parking.
When he had seen her arrive in it for the 1st time.
Dumbness_/\ _

9.    Somewhere in between, we are expected to go all oooh-aah as a result of RK’s butt cleavage in our face for a good 30 sec. Yuck!

10.  The bunch of disgusting attempts to evoke laughter does get a breakthrough in a scene thanks to T2’s(Babli’s buddy) reaction to desperate attempt to create laughter by making him bear the brunt of Babli’s morning wood. Thooo but funny!

11.  Anyway, Babli realizes his mistake and promises to get the car back for Tara, the woman with the longest history of frown.

12. While Tara is in dilemma whether to go or not, her mom is all gung ho about Babli, her dream son in law. So what if he is a typical delhi boy, so what if he keeps eve teasing her daughter. She knows he is the one and Tara should totally tag along with him to get her car back. Wow !

13. They go and the 1st thing they see in Chandigarh is her car. Whatta coincidence!

14.  She finds out that he was the one who stole her car in the 1st place and gets pissed off. He enlightens her about him being an orphan and how he gives it all to an orphanage and the inevitable happens.

15. Loou bug hits her and no amount of chicken, ice cream or coffee is enough to win his heart back. Damn it!

16.  He gets beaten badly but one strike on the wind shield of his Tara’s car and he has his “This is spartaa…” moment. Through his gravity defying smartness, he is able to get the car back somehow while it’s coming back from servicing and she gives him a peck. 2 actually. Deep girl, we must notice here.

17.  The great criminal, chu**** had actually sent the car for servicing with crores of money in it. BEST CRIMINAL EVER! Muaah muaah!

18. Bharat Maata, Tara gives the money bag to the corrupt police couple.Then comes the ultimate proposal dialogue by her.
   "Abhi tak toh main sharma hi rahi thi, mujhe bhi besharam bana de..." or something like that. 
       Btw, her surname is Sharma. That's all. :|

19. In true Bollywood style chu kidnaps all the anaath ashram kids and after lot many blah blah scenes, Hero wins and villain loses.
                   Actually this part was so long and boring to watch that I don’t feel like describing it only.

20. A few PJs later, the childless cop couple decides to adopt Babli. Awwwwwwww… :\

21. It’s not over yet. Throughout the movie you are tortured by pathetic songs but the ending credits take it to the all new level where everyone is seen shaking to the tunes of something like “Hand utha ke naache….”  which sounded like “Pant utha ke naache..” to me in the theatre making it all the more unbearable.

P.S.: Neetu Kapoor is a very good actress and I would love to see her on screen again, but in a sensible movie next time. She played the role of a corrupt Jat cop to utmost perfection and was very convincing in the otherwise irritating battle scene. :)